Saying Goodbye

••••11/2/2019••••

This day marks what would have been our six month wedding anniversary.

Michael and I always told each other that we reminded one another of the moon.. whose purpose is to reflect the light 🌙

The moon popped up many times symbolically for us.

I have known that as I never was given a chance to, I would need to say goodbye to him when I was ready. Goodbyes do not erase memories, but they do help in aligning the mind and heart. Last night, I created our lantern to send off for this very reason- a very bittersweet symbolism for my heart.

I will never understand why things have gone they way they have, or have answers. All I am capable of is controlling how I respond to my experiences, and how I let them sit in my heart.

I didn’t realize until after this photo that the moon broke from the clouds perfectly while I sent my lantern off- and disappeared soon after. Notice the heart shaped cloud around it.. Here’s a reminder that the Lord is present in every tear we cry, every high, every low, every I love you, and every goodbye.

For anyone who has thought about taking your own life, PLEASE stop for a moment and consider my words. If you leave, you are going to leave behind so many broken hearts, and broken memories. You have so much to live for, even if it doesn’t feel like it. Keep fighting to stay alive, even if moment by moment. It will be worth it. Please to talk to someone, as you have nothing to lose. Give yourself a chance. You are loved. 💛🌙

Battles Worth Fighting

Be kind to everyone you meet, because you never know what someone is going through.

Your battles are worth fighting. You are worth fighting for.

We take many things at face value. If we see someone who projects joy, humor and lightness, we assume they are getting by just fine. We let them be. Sometimes, it is hard to understand that an individual is living in deep brokenness, and still capable of wearing a smile on their face 90% of the time. We only check in on those who carry their brokenness on the outside.

My heart breaks every day when I think about how much kindness Michael offered the world. How he hid his battles so well. How his greatest fear was to become a burden. I never could have imagined existing in a reality like I am today, and it is a cruel one. I have a heavy heart, and a lump in my throat as I write this. Suicide is a rising epidemic.

 

We need to create a culture where we have the freedom to talk about our deepest pain. We must fight to create the space to validate those feelings, and not cause those who ideate suicide to shrink away in shame. We do not need more empty solutions- we need to talk. To listen. To validate, and to be present for others, instead of taking them at face value.

Restoration in a Dream

Yesterday, I had a dream that I would like to share…

I was sitting, hugging my knees, watching scenes of my life with Michael playing out before my eyes. I felt a hand on my shoulder, and the Lord was there, asking me to stand up. Together, hand in hand, we walked through my memories. We laughed together, and we cried. He whispered restoration into every single picture, and comforted me greatly in those cherished, aching flashbacks. He reminded me that past pain will not compare to future promise.

 

 

God will meet us at the point of our pain, but we have to invite him in. It will be worth it, I promise you.

Feeling to Heal

 

It’s been about a month since I’ve been on here! Most of that month has been piecing together thoughts throughout the business of routine, trying to be still, and taking little trips to let my soul breathe.

 

Healing from the loss of Michael has been one step forward, and two steps back. In order to heal, one must feel, and work through the intricate emotions of every corner of grief. It’s a battle moment by moment.

September is National Suicide Prevention Month, and last Tuesday was World Suicide Prevention Day. This is heavy on my heart. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, there are over 129 suicides per day- and over 44,000 suicides annually. This leaves roughly a quarter of a million suicide loss survivors behind, with inexpressible heartbreak, irreversible grief, and damaged lives.

Suicide Statistics

Here’s what is on my heart today:

Why are we afraid of the dark? We are afraid of what is unseen. What is unknown. Afraid of being unsure of our footing, and for something to sneak up on us unexpectedly. Is it not the same in other areas of our lives? Where there is perfect love, there is no fear. Imagine if we were to make decisions, for ourselves and for others, based upon love instead of fear. I, for one, don’t want to continue to live being afraid of the dark anymore.

Living in Awareness

“Everytime I would say hello and shake his hand, it just seemed like he had it all together, and was the happiest guy. Now, I can’t help but wonder how many other hands I shake, and think that person is doing just fine, when they are struggling internally and covering it so well.”

             

 

This was the sentiment of one who Michael and I saw on a weekly basis. I am sure that so many of us can relate. I find myself often interacting with others, and wondering what they may be going through in that very moment.

I have begun getting into the habit of asking God daily who He will put in my path, so that I can be used by Him, big or small, to bring that person something that they need. Almost always, a very specific situation/person comes along. I of course have had many hard days myself, and pray frequently for God to bring me who I need to be surrounded by, or in conversation with. Several times, I almost instantly got a message, or call from someone who felt led to reach out 🙂

God wants to use us! I’m discovering how simple that can look- and the impact it can make. There is always some purpose that can come out of all of our pain, and we don’t need to let it to be wasted.

Mental Health America has estimated that 30-70% of those who committed suicide were suffering with depression. It is crucial to be aware of the possible implications of mental health, particularly if it is left untreated over time. It breaks my heart. Please consider this article discussing depression/suicide statistics, written by Psychotherapist Amy Morin.

https://www.verywellmind.com/depression-statistics-everyone-should-know-4159056

Please feel free to reach out with your thoughts, experiences, and comments! So much love to you all

2 Months

Another month has come and gone, and I am so glad to keep moving forward!

Here’s something that I have noticed these last couple weeks… if I don’t make the effort to be mindful and present when I spend time with God, I don’t make nearly as much progress….

Life has been growing busier, which in many ways is very positive. Yet, it is so much easier to neglect time to just rest, and listen for God in the silence. It is not until I connect with God that I realize how disconnected I actually was, and how my soul was a little more drained than it needed to be.

There’s been a significant shift in the way I process my life with Michael… more small victories 🙂 I’m able to process many of our times together as fond memories, rather than painful reminders.

Gratitude slowly replaces pieces of my heartbreak. Not every day is a step forward, but collectively over the past several weeks, many steps forward have been made. There are benefits to processing pain while being present, and I’m starting to see this shift as one of those!

I’m trekking up my mountain, and I still have a long way to go. Many around me have helped in moments to carry my burden, and for that I am so grateful.

In other news, I recently joined up with a nonprofit here in Phoenix (visit http://www.morallights.org) . We will be working on some projects and events in the near future..:) stay tuned for more updates!

 

Seasons

What a week it has been! More firsts were conquered this week for me, and they were tough. I have been back at work, and celebrated my birthday. I also ran away to Colorado for a few days, to do some hiking 🙂 As strange as it feels, I am adjusting to a new routine without Michael, and the motivation of coming home to him everyday. There are hard moments daily, and I am learning to be ok with that. I am also learning that hard moments are not hindering my ability to move forward, and that they help the healing process. It heals me to be there for others, to find purpose in everything that I do throughout the day, and to allow others to be there for me :).

One thing I’ve noticed loud and clear lately is my perspective shift- a “reset” in a sense. I have spent time with the Lord praying for healing, and for clarity in the future. He has reminded me over and over of this passage:

For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.- Ecclesiates 3:1-8

I have been living in a season of grief, and there have been many, many times to cry. Everything is a season! Our lives come and go in the blink of an eye. I am truly encouraged that this season of grief is exactly that- a season. My season of life with Michael was much shorter than I ever could have imagined. Even during this season I am in, there are still times to laugh, and times to dance. There will be so many more of those times. Realizing how quickly the seasons come and go gives me tremendous hope, and also puts life into perspective. Does knowing this make painful moments go away? Absolutely not. But, holding onto hope and perspective is all I can do- all anyone can do. It certainly does help. Everyone is walking through a different season. If it is a great one, don’t take a moment of it for granted. It is a blessing. If it’s hitting rock bottom, find someone to cry with, and hold onto hope that it will pass. If you feel so stuck in your season that you want to end your life, STOP. Find someone to talk to. Surround yourself with those who will help you put your season into perspective, and lift you up. It can only get better.

Consider reading this article from Mayo Clinic to be aware of those around you that may be considering ending their life:

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/suicide/in-depth/suicide/art-20044707

Crisis Text Line Text “Start” to 741-741

Pausing

I find myself approaching week 6 since Michael took his life. Sometimes,  it feels like it has been 6 months, and others it feels like only 6 days…. I am grateful for each day that passes-each moment, really. “New Normal” truly sets in this week, as I return to work. I miss old normal. It is going to be very, very hard, and uncomfortable for a time to go back to an old routine with this new normal (whatever that is).

Here’s just a snippet of what has been on my mind and heart…music is powerful for healing. The intricacies composed of melodies, harmonies, rhythms, notes, and , of course, one important component which cannot be overlooked…. rests. If pauses in any musical piece were neglected, left would be confusion, chaos, lack of direction in movement, and rushing. A song which had potential to be beautiful, powerful, and convincing suddenly seemed to hold less meaning. I feel that God speaks to me often through music, both in listening and creating, and he points my attention now to these rests, and their correlation in my life. Here I find myself finding God in the rest, and am learning how to face the silent moments in order to hear His voice. It is not instant, and it is not predictable. It is hard to be still- and it is quite uncomfortable. It is hard to wait, and it is hard to face the more painful emotions as I work through the grieving process. But, these must be done in order to have direction moving forward, I am learning.

I’ve been thinking about something else, which can probably be relatable for anyone…. It is HARD to face the tough stuff. It is HARD to deal with trauma, concealed mental illness, and any type of emotional baggage. It is HARD to ask for help when coming to term with these burdens. It is HARD to move forward into a healing process, and trust others with pieces of our burdens. But, what is harder? Suffering emotionally is harder. Living in mental isolation is harder, even if you convince yourself otherwise. Coping with heavy burdens which negatively impact other areas of life and relationship is harder. Coping so long with burdens that ending life seems like the bright light at the end of the tunnel  is SO much harder. It breaks my heart deeply that Michael was struggling internally, concealing his burdens, to the point that ending his life was his easy way out. Life is so broken, messy, and painful. It is going to be hard regardless- why not choose the less hard path, and take a step of courage? Living in shame and wounding no matter how one copes, is not going to get easier. And how can we be there properly for others when we are not working to heal ourselves? I think about how many times in a day we all interact with others who appear healthy, happy, and whole. Can you only imagine if you got a true glimpse into many of those folk’s hearts and burdens? It would drastically change the way we interact, and relate to others. Relatability is so powerful. So many of us need to get the message “you are not alone”.

One Month

I am about one month out from the day Michael took his life. Looking back on one month feels like a small victory. I’ll be honest, every part of me wants to wind the clock forward several months, and see what life looks like, in every aspect. I cannot wait until our memories become more bearable, and the waves of pain continue to ease in intensity. I cannot wait to be looking far back at this difficult season. Although it feels counter-intuitive, God continuously reminds me that part of my healing involves pausing, and being present. I have noticed each time I listen to Him and be “still” for a period of time (sometimes just a matter of minutes), He provides me precisely what I need.

God has not been silent throughout this month. He has responded to my requests, providing specific answers in inspiration, his words, and many times, through intentionality with people in my life. I could tell you a few stories of times I have felt more discouraged than hopeful the past few weeks, and soon after, God sends reassurance to me to continue on the path that I am on, and solutions for my discouragement. Every time it happens, it blows my mind, because I could not have planned for His answers.

Obviously, I have been thinking quite a bit about mental health in general, and the dangerous impacts of neglecting this area of life. I think it is true for everyone that often our minds can be our biggest battlefields. It goes without saying that if someone feels physically ill, they will attempt to find out what is wrong, and see a doctor for treatment if need be. Speaking from my perspective here- as a believer in Christ, I would pray about healing when inflicted with any type of illness, but would also take the appropriate action of getting professional help.
Mental illness of any kind is a sickness, just as any other physical ailment. Should we then neglect this area of health? Both to treat, and discuss? If one ignored and failed to treat a broken leg– trauma to the physical– it would result in serious repercussions for their body, affecting other areas than just that leg- some of which may not become undone. The same can be said for any unfortunate trauma suffered in a person’s life. When left untreated, it begins to affect different areas of the mind, and nothing short of decline afterwards. It breaks my heart to think how many of us carry untreated trauma, and suffer because of it.

As a Christian, I believe that in addition to turning to God’s word and spending time with Him directly, he calls us to turn to one another when appropriate to get the help we need. He works through practical resources and relationships, and mental health professionals. If you are struggling, please consider getting help. You can change, and overcome how you are feeling. You have a purpose. There are many ways out, even if it does not feel like it. Reach out to people around you, and reach out to professionals.

Here are some resources to consider, or share:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

Crisis Text Line: Text “START” to 741-741

Find Support

 

I encourage feedback and discussion, please feel free to share your thoughts with me!

Facing the Firsts

Getting through the first three weeks since Michael took his life has not been a walk in the park. There are not really adequate words to describe the overwhelming sadness which hits me everytime my mind drifts a bit, and then back to realizing what happened. In the midst of sadness, I am facing my fears by facing the “firsts”…

The first time I have the tough conversation of what happened with a loved one or friend can be difficult. Not simply because it is hard to talk about, but because it is heavy news, and comes as a shock to those receiving it. I think regardless of how far removed anyone is from Michael’s life, everyone who has heard has been affected somehow to a different degree. (I also will mention here- for those who think nobody will flinch and life goes on if you leave, you are WRONG! You will affect the lives of hundreds of people, who wish so badly that you had chosen to live).

The first day I went without seeing Michael- that was a very difficult first. One I never have to repeat, which words do not describe how thankful I am for.

The first time I had to hear some of the songs which were on our “wedding roadtrip” playlist.

The first time I touched a piano again, knowing we would never play another song together. (Michael was a talented musician, and we loved to spend some of our time making music).

The first time I returned to Coronado/San Diego, to walk through the places where Michael and I fell in love, created many memories, where he proposed to me, and where we had our minimoon. (I managed to also experience joy in these places, which I honestly did not expect.. It was hard and healing).

The first time looking back through our wedding pictures, knowing we would never celebrate our first year anniversary- or any anniversary.

The first time I went back to church without him. I consider myself blessed to have an incredibly loving and supportive church family, but it was not easy to keep myself together.

The first time I returned to our place to gather some of my things to go stay with family. I think that might be one of the hardest firsts, and I am never doing it again.

The first time I returned to some of me and Michael’s favorite date spots and restaurants.

The first time I had to make calls to cancel Michael’s school, our honeymoon reservations in the Philippines, doctor’s appointments, commitments, subscriptions, etc. etc.

There are more firsts still to come…my first day back at work without coming home to my husband, the first day I settle into a new place to live, the first big trip I take by myself.

Each one of these firsts brings a new set of challenges. However, I will say that God has given me enough strength to get through everyday. He is showing up in real ways, just not the way I planned on Him showing up…. (Through these first few weeks, I find peace in not having all the answers-that’s a big positive first for me 😀 ) It is still a work in progress- but I am just starting to learn how to find peace in not having every little detail of the future planned out- let’s be real- those plans NEVER go as planned anyways….

If you are going through anything similar (or maybe not so similar) to me… you CAN get through it. Call on God to show up in real ways- He will not disappoint you. Be open to watching Him work in ways which blow your mind, and also may frustrate you in the moment. Allow yourself to listen to Him speak to you through people around you. I am learning these lessons right now, as we speak 🙂

I am moving forward- while still taking my time, spending some time reflecting on the past memories, living in the present, and a bit on the future… I want to thank every single person who has been there for me during this time.. You encourage me in ways you may never know. Truly, thank you.

I am completely open to your honest thoughts, questions, and conversations, please leave them for me or contact me!