Facing the Firsts

Getting through the first three weeks since Michael took his life has not been a walk in the park. There are not really adequate words to describe the overwhelming sadness which hits me everytime my mind drifts a bit, and then back to realizing what happened. In the midst of sadness, I am facing my fears by facing the “firsts”…

The first time I have the tough conversation of what happened with a loved one or friend can be difficult. Not simply because it is hard to talk about, but because it is heavy news, and comes as a shock to those receiving it. I think regardless of how far removed anyone is from Michael’s life, everyone who has heard has been affected somehow to a different degree. (I also will mention here- for those who think nobody will flinch and life goes on if you leave, you are WRONG! You will affect the lives of hundreds of people, who wish so badly that you had chosen to live).

The first day I went without seeing Michael- that was a very difficult first. One I never have to repeat, which words do not describe how thankful I am for.

The first time I had to hear some of the songs which were on our “wedding roadtrip” playlist.

The first time I touched a piano again, knowing we would never play another song together. (Michael was a talented musician, and we loved to spend some of our time making music).

The first time I returned to Coronado/San Diego, to walk through the places where Michael and I fell in love, created many memories, where he proposed to me, and where we had our minimoon. (I managed to also experience joy in these places, which I honestly did not expect.. It was hard and healing).

The first time looking back through our wedding pictures, knowing we would never celebrate our first year anniversary- or any anniversary.

The first time I went back to church without him. I consider myself blessed to have an incredibly loving and supportive church family, but it was not easy to keep myself together.

The first time I returned to our place to gather some of my things to go stay with family. I think that might be one of the hardest firsts, and I am never doing it again.

The first time I returned to some of me and Michael’s favorite date spots and restaurants.

The first time I had to make calls to cancel Michael’s school, our honeymoon reservations in the Philippines, doctor’s appointments, commitments, subscriptions, etc. etc.

There are more firsts still to come…my first day back at work without coming home to my husband, the first day I settle into a new place to live, the first big trip I take by myself.

Each one of these firsts brings a new set of challenges. However, I will say that God has given me enough strength to get through everyday. He is showing up in real ways, just not the way I planned on Him showing up…. (Through these first few weeks, I find peace in not having all the answers-that’s a big positive first for me 😀 ) It is still a work in progress- but I am just starting to learn how to find peace in not having every little detail of the future planned out- let’s be real- those plans NEVER go as planned anyways….

If you are going through anything similar (or maybe not so similar) to me… you CAN get through it. Call on God to show up in real ways- He will not disappoint you. Be open to watching Him work in ways which blow your mind, and also may frustrate you in the moment. Allow yourself to listen to Him speak to you through people around you. I am learning these lessons right now, as we speak 🙂

I am moving forward- while still taking my time, spending some time reflecting on the past memories, living in the present, and a bit on the future… I want to thank every single person who has been there for me during this time.. You encourage me in ways you may never know. Truly, thank you.

I am completely open to your honest thoughts, questions, and conversations, please leave them for me or contact me!