My Story

I want to share some of my story with you all…just a brief overview for now. I am 22 years old, and am widowed to suicide. I had the wedding of my dreams on May 2nd of this year, enjoyed just over 7 weeks of a blissful marriage, and lost my husband on June 24th- 6 days after his 23rd birthday. Michael struggled severely with depression,and self worth. He went missing for three days before two officers showed up at my house, and told me the news that no person wants to hear in their wildest nightmares. I could talk at great length about the feelings of that horrible night- the waves of terror, sadness, hopelessness, confusion, anger, and abandonment. While these waves rushed through me, my mind raced and spiraled with the echoes of “what next”, “how am I ever going to make it through this”, and “how long is this going to hurt”- just to name a few. It was a dark, low place to exist that night, and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. Yet, God was present. I can honestly say that I felt Him there with me that night- perhaps you have heard people refer to “peace that surpasses all understanding”. I experienced that. It did not lessen what I was feeling, but it was there all the same.

 
Last time I used this blog was one year ago, when I spent a few months backpacking in Switzerland. I casually wrote about some lessons I learned through my experiences there. Since I love to hike and spend time outdoors, here is my metaphor for you all today… we are all climbing mountains of different sizes, with different equipment, and experiencing different levels of exertion. More often that not, doesn’t life feel like a constant uphill trudge? Here’s the point I don’t want to miss: We aren’t supposed to race each other to the top. We are called to bear each other’s burdens when those around us can’t do it alone anymore, give a boost to someone struggling when need be, and allow those ahead of us to help us up when we need. Why should we look onward at those who are struggling, while we struggle ourselves? I am not at the top of my mountain yet- and I am not going to even begin to pretend that I have made it, or that I have seen the magnificent view from the top. However, I don’t want my pain to be wasted as I make my way up, and move forward. I intend to openly share my journey of what moving forward looks like- the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’m going to talk openly about mental health, and share important resources as I can.

 

If there is at least one person reading this who has gone through an experience similar to mine (or grief of any kind really), perhaps you can be encouraged that you are not alone, you will get through this, and you can be real about what you are experiencing and feeling. If there is at least one person who is reading this and is struggling with mental health/suicidal ideation PLEASE realize that you are loved, whether you feel like it or not. You are NOT a burden. People want to see you grow healthier, and you need to talk honestly about what you are feeling. Taking your life causes devastation, tragedy, trauma, and nothing short of a BIG mess after you leave. It’s not worth it. It’s not the easy way out, it is the most horrible road. Soon, I will share with you some of my struggles and triumphs from the first few weeks. I am open to your comments and questions, please feel free to share your thoughts with me!

More summits

This past week. our team completed the dent du midi backpacking trip! We climbed over 10,000 feet throughout 52k in the 5 days we were gone. Along with sharing some shots of the stunning creation we were surrounded by, I want to share some of the highlights of my growth through this week.

••resilience••

Each day, we were on the trail for several hours. We spent an hour in total silence on our first hike, in order to hear God’s voice clearly with no distractions. God clearly spoke to me through this word- “resilience”. In the aspect of the conditions we faced throughout the week, I considered resilience- we hiked through heat, pouring rain, strong wind, above a glacier, through sunlit woods, and above the treeline. Regardless of the terrain, through resilience my attitude was consistent. By knowing my own weakness, I truly leaned on His strength, and was surrounded with this profound joy which did not leave. This resilience is something which He connected to other areas of my life as well- through different seasons of life, through different emotions, and also through receiving words and behaviors from others. By growing in this resilience, I am released to love others better, and face any and all challenges with a better attitude.

Needless to say, I am feeling grateful when reflecting upon this last week. Through many small challenges along the trails, I am still left with an abundant flow of joy which I know is not rooted in my emotions. God is good!

Artifacts and Castles

These past couple weeks have been a whirlwind. Between camping in the foothills of the Bernese Alps, climbing, exploring, and even getting to spend a few days with a visit from my family, life keeps moving at a rapid speed. A few highlights include a spontaneous trip to the Italy border, hiking to the base of the Matterhorn, a beautiful backpacking trip to overlook the Alps at Wolf’s Ort, and time in community. One particular spot that I have now visited twice stands out in my memory, and evokes some slight sense of nostalgia. Sion, Switzerland is home to beautiful cathedrals and castles, some of which date back to the 1300’s. In fact, these historical buildings are some of the oldest preserved in the entire country. To visit Tourbillon Castle, we hike up a hill, and can overlook the stunning valleys surrounding Sion from the castle grounds. While we walked around the grounds and prayed for the people and city of Sion and all their historical treasures, I couldn’t help but ponder the concept of getting stuck in time, and living in the past vs. moving forward with a healthy future vision. To sum up most of my reflections, I will share a short spoken word I wrote here in Sion while thinking of these things.

You’ve been blind to life, lies bind your vision

Collision of past and truth, artifacts of emotions from youth

Absolutely define your sights of the value of your life

So these lies that tempt you to stop trying

to the point that  you’re dying in all capacities, what a tragedy.

As it seems, each artifact, in fact- they’re all traps to hold you back

Think you’re lacking the tenacity to stand against the enemy-

Sinking knee deep in these heaps of artifacts.

But you’re not a product of your past- likened to worldly treasures that

don’t last- they shatter to broken glass. Imagine, release gleaming in

the past. Sun slips into the cracks- lighting up each sliver, deliverance  from the artifacts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Spoken Word

As God continues to speak to my heart, I have been writing more and more, and wanted to share a spoken word I wrote a few days ago. I was blessed to be able to speak this yesterday in Lausanne during our outreach.

 

Humanity

 

Humanity- questions of what we are designed to be so we design reason and try to decipher, a purpose, a pattern, a method to the madness its tragic- our journeys intended to traverse to eternity instead lead to a dead spirit while we miss the nearness of the heaven sent one. Humanity- each human crafted in harmony, intent of this body embodying community, each part unique- independently dependent to complement each brother and sister lifted up, sensing the heaven sent one.

Humanity- testament to the reflection of the heaven sent one who loved us so much that messiness which once impacted and corrupted cannot be enough to separate us from the son the heaven-sent one.

Humanity- transformation of total being when we know sin no more, the dead spirit resurrected, each trial and blemish vanishes greeted with a kiss from the heaven sent one.

Humanity- he became it for our iniquity dying on a tree- fundamental to our spirit, a testament in an empty tomb, providing a road for the dead spirit to renew, testifying the heaven-sent one in humanity.

 

 

Connected

It is a beautiful sunny Sunday afternoon, and I’m sitting in a little French café while I process the happenings throughout the last week.  As I sit and reflect, I find myself continually provoked by thoughts regarding empathy, vulnerability, and sympathy. Our speaker at the base discussed these topics in relation to both humanity and the Holy Spirit.  How would you differentiate between empathy and sympathy? My perspective has shifted throughout the past several days on this matter. Essentially, empathy requires a certain level of vulnerability to bring some personal internal emotion/experience externally to connect to another human being. In contrast, sympathy tends to cause more of separation in place of connectedness.  Sympathy does not require the sense of vulnerability and presence which empathy provides. I find myself, even while writing, experiencing fresh conviction on this topic. How easy it to listen to others describe their trials or struggles without taking the emotional energy to relate?  I firmly believe that the Holy Spirit speaks to us when we seek out His voice, and we often struggle to differentiate between it and our own thoughts/emotions. Therefore, we are certainly called to a degree of self-awareness to better decipher between the two. Self-awareness is a concept which I emphasize heavily in my own life, and I am learning to put this into practice in conjunction with seeking out the voice of God. As this relates to empathy and vulnerability, I believe that genuine self-awareness leads a person to address and identify internal motives, drives, and experiences. Proceeding to relate different aspects of one or more of these to another person often will call for a vulnerable spirit.

In many day-to-day situations, it is entirely easy for me to sympathize and not empathize. As I begin this new growth towards being vulnerable on a new level to empathize more wholly, I consider how that will be put into practice in the next few months. We just received our locations for outreach.. two different countries in Europe and Asia! When I arrive to these nations, I desire to connect fully with the people whom we will minister to. Empathy will be a requirement for this connection to transpire, and for lives to be changed. What a beautiful process this will be, in continuing to grow! I pray that it will yield powerful results.

Images

I am blessed during this time away from the states to live on a base amongst a variety of people. To expound, this variety vibrantly reverberates with sounds of different cultures, languages, and stories.  The beautiful picture I have observed is painted with equality, unity, and yet also, individuality. In participating in Regeneration, our outreach within the Montreux Jazz Festival, I notice this further. I am confident that, in this lifestyle of appreciation of the variety in the nations expands perspective, and perhaps, even grounds it. Is this not a picture of God? We have been intelligently designed in His image, Imago Dei, and this excludes NO type of individual. Therefore: my mind wanders to the following: How frequently do we adapt ourselves to an alternative purpose/path/image rather than that which we were wired to fulfill? Each individual, through growth, is wired for a purpose, and inclined to complete that purpose with excellence. Yet, we are most often distracted from this, unaware of it entirely, and adapted to the less fulfilling alternatives. Haven’t we all had moments or seasons where we are directly moving in our specific purpose? I find this to bestow confidence, joy, and even a sense of freedom. A lifetime directed towards this- a life lived with open perspective, and appreciation of other’s individuality in equality with our own is how we are intended to live. I hope to often reflect on this image-the image of God, and His purposes for all.

Unplugging

Learning how to breathe can be far more difficult than it would appear. I am now one week into my time here in Lausanne, and starting off was a bit rocky. Overall I consider myself lucky- I am surrounded by the Alps, one of the most scenic cities, and can walk to the woods from my bedroom. However, in the short week I have lived in this place, I see how many opportunities of growth and refocusing that are stirring in my heart. While a good chunk of my time is filled with seeing the sights, outdoor adventures and getting to know my new community here, the pace of life I will live during these next few months does not match the pace of life I came from previously. I am used to instant gratification, noise, to-do lists, in essence I would summarize this as constant stimulation. Here, I rely on a bus/train to get around, and not much is available at the tips of my fingertips as is normally the case. Yesterday, I sat on a log in the forest without a phone, without music, and without any sort of distraction. As I sat, I absorbed and observed every minute detail of my surroundings- the sounds, the sunlight, the slight wind, the intricate creation around me. I felt a sense of peace, and also a stirring. The question arose: “How could I ever think it possible to continue to grow without taking more time to take care of my soul?” My Creator speaks to me through the silence. He does not hover at our disposition, competing with the noises with which we fill our days.

In other news, I have been getting to explore Lausanne, and we will be going on our first backpacking trip in just a few more short days. Waking up to gaze on the still snow-covered Alps each morning is nothing short of breathtaking. I am still in the process of adjusting- and am looking forward to seeing how we will impact the people around us starting tomorrow at the Montreux Jazz Festival. Big things are happening here at our center in Lausanne!!

Where in the World!

In about 9 hours, I will be boarding a plane to Geneva, Switzerland! Through YWAM, I am embarking on a 5 month adventure, consisting of an  outdoors themed discipleship training. For the first three months, our group will be backpacking the Swiss Alps, camping, climbing, and simply spending time in creation, connecting with our Creator. The next two months, we will be sent on an outreach to a location (could be anywhere in the world), utilizing all the outdoor skills we have been taught, to reach the community around us.  Needless to say, I have been thinking/feeling a great amount as I prepare my mind, heart, and soul for this life-changing experience. With all the preparation I have done over the past couple months, it feels surreal that I am FINALLY beginning this adventure in the morning. I am seeking during this time to recharge. To have a period of time away from a lifestyle packed with noise, instant gratification, and the usual stress of work/school/life balance is not something I am taking for granted. I hope to use this blog to inspire those reading through what I learn during these next few months, and to show how God moves in my life, and through the work that we do. 

 

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton