Pausing

I find myself approaching week 6 since Michael took his life. Sometimes,  it feels like it has been 6 months, and others it feels like only 6 days…. I am grateful for each day that passes-each moment, really. “New Normal” truly sets in this week, as I return to work. I miss old normal. It is going to be very, very hard, and uncomfortable for a time to go back to an old routine with this new normal (whatever that is).

Here’s just a snippet of what has been on my mind and heart…music is powerful for healing. The intricacies composed of melodies, harmonies, rhythms, notes, and , of course, one important component which cannot be overlooked…. rests. If pauses in any musical piece were neglected, left would be confusion, chaos, lack of direction in movement, and rushing. A song which had potential to be beautiful, powerful, and convincing suddenly seemed to hold less meaning. I feel that God speaks to me often through music, both in listening and creating, and he points my attention now to these rests, and their correlation in my life. Here I find myself finding God in the rest, and am learning how to face the silent moments in order to hear His voice. It is not instant, and it is not predictable. It is hard to be still- and it is quite uncomfortable. It is hard to wait, and it is hard to face the more painful emotions as I work through the grieving process. But, these must be done in order to have direction moving forward, I am learning.

I’ve been thinking about something else, which can probably be relatable for anyone…. It is HARD to face the tough stuff. It is HARD to deal with trauma, concealed mental illness, and any type of emotional baggage. It is HARD to ask for help when coming to term with these burdens. It is HARD to move forward into a healing process, and trust others with pieces of our burdens. But, what is harder? Suffering emotionally is harder. Living in mental isolation is harder, even if you convince yourself otherwise. Coping with heavy burdens which negatively impact other areas of life and relationship is harder. Coping so long with burdens that ending life seems like the bright light at the end of the tunnel  is SO much harder. It breaks my heart deeply that Michael was struggling internally, concealing his burdens, to the point that ending his life was his easy way out. Life is so broken, messy, and painful. It is going to be hard regardless- why not choose the less hard path, and take a step of courage? Living in shame and wounding no matter how one copes, is not going to get easier. And how can we be there properly for others when we are not working to heal ourselves? I think about how many times in a day we all interact with others who appear healthy, happy, and whole. Can you only imagine if you got a true glimpse into many of those folk’s hearts and burdens? It would drastically change the way we interact, and relate to others. Relatability is so powerful. So many of us need to get the message “you are not alone”.